(Mindy) I actually don't mind being single,
because I live in New York City--
the greatest city in the world.
Here's what I do mind... When your lying,
drug addict, two-timing ex-boyfriend
sends you a beautiful wedding invitation.
And he's marrying someone named Corinne?
I'm-- I'm sorry if I'm boring you.
(Josh) "All You Need Is Love." The Beatles.
Ugh. God.
[Sighs]
[Hip-hop music]
[Woman vocalizing]
♪
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
[Indistinct chatter]
(Danny) Yeah?
- Hey. - Hey.
Tomorrow night when we go to Josh's wedding,
do you think we should take your car
or something a little less boring?
I'm asking, 'cause I found this pretty cool flyer
in the trash, for a place in Queens
that rents out "A-1 luxurious USA automobiles."
Your old sports lawyer boyfriend Josh?
Yeah, I can't go.
No, no, no. You're gonna drive,
so I can put on my makeup and drink in the car.
Yeah, Mindy, I really can't go.
My kid brother Richie's in town.
He says he's got big news.
I'm hoping he's moving back to New York.
Your baby brother Richie, who you raised
when your deadbeat dad walked out on you?
Aw, two little guys...
Okay.
Taking on the big city,
sleeping in a sardine can-- Okay.
Do not distract me.
You said that you would come to this wedding with me.
Just go by yourself.
Go by myself to an ex's wedding?
Are you crazy? I'll look pathetic.
I always love going to places alone.
That way, I get to wear my Springsteen bandana,
listen to my transistor radio.
You're describing a pathetic person.
Maybe the universe is telling you
not to go to another ex's wedding.
The last time, you gave an intoxicated speech,
and you rode your bike into a pool.
I guess I could call Josh and tell him
I'm busy with work.
Or I could fake my own death.
No, you know what?
I'm not gonna go down that path.
[Inhales]
Okay.
[Phone line ringing]
[Phone ringing]
Mindy, hey.
Hey, Josh, I just wanted to say that
I can't come to your wedding
because of a work emergency with a VIP patient.
I wish I could tell you who it is,
but Jay-Z would be furious.
Sorry. It's Beyonce.
Cool, I get it. But just so you know,
you don't need to feel intimidated or anything.
Oh. I don't feel intimidated.
Like I said, it's because of a work thing.
Ah, being a professional woman--
balancing work and personal life,
ah, it's so hard.
It's tough to go to an ex's wedding,
and I got engaged so quickly.
But you'll find someone eventually.
- You're great. - I know that I'm great.
Oh, look, I just got an email from Beyonce.
Turns out, cranberry juice did the trick,
so I can come to your wedding.
Okay, good.
And I'm bringing a date.
Who to ask?
Mmm. Mmm.
- Ugh. - [Sneezes]
- [Click] - Yuck.
[Soft romantic music]
♪
Hello there, young man.
- Hey. - I'm Mindy Lahiri.
Doctor, woman.
Can I help you find what you're looking for,
- who you're looking for? - I--
(Danny) There he is.
- There he is. There he is. - Whoa. How you doing?
- Give me a kiss. Mwah. - Get over here.
Danny, Danny, is this your trainer?
- It's my little brother Richie. - Wow.
[Whispers] He's hot.
Okay, take it easy, Mrs. Robinson.
- He's not for you. - Okay, I'm way too young
to understand your graduate reference.
Oh, my God. Where are you visiting from?
Heaven?
You look like a young Marlon Brando.
- Look at that skin. - Okay, stop.
- Hey, hey, hey. - A little close.
- Dope outfit. - Thank you.
- I love your hair. That's a fun braid. - Thank you.
(Danny) Okay, okay. Everybody take it easy.
Richie's here to spend a wild weekend
- with his big brother. - Oh, wild weekend?
- Yeah. - Wild weekend? What are we gonna do?
We gonna watch a Ken Burns documentary
and look at a telescope, fall asleep at 9:30?
Ooh. Burn on you, Dr. C.
I-I'm just visiting for a week from Florida.
Yeah, yeah, he had to tear himself away
- from all those hot bodies down at South Beach, right? - Okay.
I know Florida from the movies.
Are you a cocaine salesman or a pet detective?
Oh, no, I'm a tennis pro on Palm Beach.
Anyway, I'm having a party tomorrow night at my place.
You can't have a party tomorrow night, 'cause I can't make it.
- [Inhales] - I have to go to Josh's wedding.
That's perfect timing.
Okay, look at him. He's got the Castellano curse.
He's got a perfect face.
Hey, guys, Danny's brother is totally gay, right?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
- What? What makes you say that? - 100%.
Oh, I know my gay guys.
I let all the guys in my college madrigal group
touch my boob, just so they could feel one.
Yeah, and what straight guy says, "Fun braid"?
Mm.
Oh, my God. Do you think that's why Richie's in town?
He's gonna come out of the closet to Danny,
and Danny's so Catholic.
I mean, he says a prayer before he has chewing gum.
And he does not like surprises.
That's why he hates boxes of chocolate,
because he wants to know what he's gonna get.
Okay, look. I know that 99.9%
of the people who call for an escort
really just want a prostitute.
And of those people who insist that
they just want an escort,
I know that they kinda want sex.
But I am just a nice woman who is looking
for an escort to escort her to a wedding, okay?
And yes, if he's good-looking, I would consider--
[Knock at door] Hey, Min.
Word on the street is you're looking
for a plus-one to go to a wedding with you.
No, that-- You are misinformed.
I just heard you on the phone
talking to a prostitute.
For your information, I balked at the price.
You need to let me come.
You need a plus-one. I kill at weddings.
They call me "Mr. Wedding."
That means you scam on all the bridesmaids.
You make everyone clear the dance floor,
so you can break-dance badly.
And then somehow, at the end of the night,
you're up there with the band,
and you're air saxophoning.
Mindy, I can't spend another Saturday night
stalking ex-girlfriends on the internet,
hoping to find a breast-feeding pic.
- God. - I need to meet someone.
In an effort to get you to stop telling me
these sad tales, you can come.
[Snaps fingers] You won't regret this.
And I won't regret this.
Because I probably won't remember any of it.
Okay.
Josh, I can't believe you thought
I was Kerry Washington for a second.
That's so random.
[Knock at door]
(Peter) Let's go. I don't wanna miss the cocktail hour.
The door is open, Peter.
My God, if you are wearing cargo shorts
or your "Legalize Weed" t-shirt--
- Whoa. - Hey.
Mr. Wedding. Nice to meet you.
(Danny) God, I feel like he could be in a boy band.
Look at Richie.
- He reminds of a-- like a young you. - Mm-hmm.
I bet you I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
with the white noise machine on.
But you wouldn't be disappointed
if he didn't hook up with a girl, right?
Or, like, if he hooked up with, like, a non-girl?
It better be a non-girl, he's gay.
- [Spits] - You okay?
You know Richie's gay?
No, Morgan, a straight guy won Mr. Gay Fort Lauderdale.
Yes, I know he's gay, of course.
How did you know this?
You didn't need to be a Columbo.
The fourth grade, he goes to Halloween
dressed as Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct.
- Whoa. - He's gay.
So as many of you know,
Corinne and I met in a carpentry class in rehab.
I hated carpentry. It sucks.
What am I, a caveman? Use metal.
But being an addict,
I quickly became obsessed with it.
And I made us these.
[Applause]
Wow. Look at the craftsmanship.
They're amazing.
Now, maybe I'm getting sentimental
from the sparkling apple juice,
but I'd like to think these will last forever--
like us.
[Applause]
- Great. - To a beautiful couple.
You'll make beautiful babies.
A year ago, that guy was literally in a gutter,
I'll have you know.
And now he is having my dream adorable wedding.
All right, the Mason jars, the cupcakes
cutely arranged in tiers instead of a wedding cake.
That was my idea, that I had in a dream.
I wish I had written it down. Now I could sue them.
Wow. That was very moving.
Oh, cool, Shawne "Merryman" has some kind of thing to say now.
It's Shawne Merriman.
Ladies and gentlemen, lights out.
That's my catchphrase-- lights out.
I feel you. Table nine holds you down, Shawne.
Shh. You're reacting too loudly.
[Shania Twain's You're Still The One]
♪ looks like we made it ♪ _
[Laughter]
Oh, my God. Look at this couple.
Have you ever?
Can you imagine being in something like this?
I dated him. I-I could imagine it.
Hold on. You dated that guy?
That's why we got invited to this, is I dated him.
You dated Bourne Ultimatum or whatever?
Okay, he's not that good-looking.
♪ they'll never make it ♪
that's a nice one.
But anyone can be professionally styled
to look cute in a photo.
I've done it, like, ten times at the mall.
I think they're gonna make it.
♪
♪ still the one ♪
Mindy, I could sit here all night
pouting about my ex.
But I'm gonna choose to go party my nards off,
and I would hope that you would come with me
and party your oves off as well.
I don't feel like it, Peter.
Let's do it.
Mr. and Mrs. Wedding, to the dance floor.
- What? - More wine.
No, no, no, no, no.
No one's dancing yet. We're gonna look really lame.
It's a wedding, you're supposed to look lame.
- Peter, no, Peter! - Hey, yo, DJ Tanner.
This dance floor needs to be a full house.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm so sorry.
I barely know him, sorry.
(Lionel Richie) ♪ well, my friends, the time has come ♪
Keep your jacket on.
Come on, get out here.
Stop it.
♪ everybody sing ♪
Peter, what are you doing?
♪ lose yourself in wild romance ♪
♪ we're going to party, karamu ♪
Come here. Dance like this.
Uh, okay.
- Like, close, like that. - All right.
Yeah.
♪ all night long ♪
- There you go, that's it. - Peter--
♪ all night, all night long ♪
- You're really good, Peter. - Thanks.
I've been to, like, 15 proms.
♪ all night long ♪
Oh, my God. That's my jam.
- All right. - Okay, I don't think so, pal.
Yep.
- Look what you did. - See?
And I will take these Martinis. Mmm.
Oh, uh, okay. Thank you.
♪
♪ come join our party ♪
♪ see how we play ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ yes ♪
♪ we're gonna have a party, yeah ♪
♪ all night long ♪
Who's that guy? Is he single?
Uh, that's Mr. Wedding, and he's with me.
♪ yeah, feel good, feel good ♪
[Cheers and applause]
(Richie) Danny, stop trying to set me up with Anderson Cooper.
Are you back with Ramon?
Big lats like that, how does that guy buy suits?
Ramon was way too into his body, you know?
- I was basically a gym widow. - Uh-huh.
Look. I-I got something for you.
- What? - Yeah.
- Wait here. - You got me something?
(Danny) Look at this kid-- good posture, good manners.
The only gift you need to give me
- is a visit from your gay ass. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You didn't need to bring me anything.
What'd you get me?
Did you wrap this yourself?
The Miami Vice soundtrack? Are you kidding me?
Look. Can you believe this?
Morgan, Miami Vice.
I think I might be too young for that show.
This was my favorite show growing up.
What are you-- I love this.
Flamingos, bikinis, Edward Olmos.
Look at this. How'd you know?
This was before you were born.
You know, the gift isn't from me.
It's from dad.
He said you guys used to watch it together, so--
It's from dad?
[Gasps]
- What the hell? - Get in there.
- Dan, come on, Dan. - Get in there.
(Morgan) Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
(Danny) No, no, no, no. Get in here.
You didn't come to visit me?
You came on a mission for that loser?
What does he want? What does he want?
He wants money? Does he want my bone marrow?
- Don't let him near your marrow. - He doesn't want anything.
- He just wants to get to know me. - Oh, come on.
You're so gullible. You were always so gullible.
Your pet turtle? Shelley Long?
Yeah, seven turtles.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't have a chance
to destroy my relationship with dad.
And the pizza oven isn't even hot enough.
What'd you say? What'd you just say?
(Danny) Don't you dare disrespect my pizza oven.
Mindy, hey.
Hey, Josh.
I have to say, this is a perfect wedding.
Good, thank you. You look really nice.
That dress makes you look more proportional
than you actually are.
You're the life of the party.
And that guy you brought, who is that?
- He's the best. - [Chuckles] Peter.
Yeah, Peter's all right.
You two make a cute couple, huh?
- You go great together. - Oh, thank you.
I guess we do.
- [Giggles] - Oh, baby.
[Gasps]
- Really? - Oh, God. Oh, God.
Peter, what have you done?
She threw herself at me. I can't say no.
You know, it's her day.
I wanna make sure it's just as she dreamed as a little girl.
(Mindy) Oh, my God.
Josh, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
- It's you're day too, and I'm sorry. - Shut up, shut up!
Josh, calm down, okay?
Let's just get you a drink.
- I can't have a drink, Mindy! - God, that's right.
What, now you're trying to knock me off the wagon,
- in addition to bring this-- this greasy creep... - Greasy?
...to have sex with my wife?
Who, by the way, just got out of rehab for sex addiction.
(Both) Ohh. That makes--
No, no, no, no!
Because it was different,
and she clearly had done it before.
Why are you not more mad?
Your boyfriend just cheated on you
on a diaper change station.
- We have an open relationship. - He's not my boyfriend.
- He's just some loser from work that I brought. - Hey.
This is pathetic.
You're pathetic.
[Door opens]
I think I'm in love with her.
What is the matter with you?
Richie, wait.
Hey, Richie Castellano-- [Coughs]
Richie, wait, wait.
I gotta talk to you.
My heart. [Coughs]
Uh, listen.
You gotta forgive Danny--
He's such a dick sometimes, you know?
Yeah, he's obviously a dick, Richie.
- But Danny's changed. - What'd he do?
He watch a WNBA game?
No, he's not a lesbian. No offense.
Danny has been talking about your trip nonstop for weeks.
Really?
Yeah, you can't shut him up about it.
It's bizarre.
And I always thought brothers
were just for taking your Christmas nuts
and holding your head down the loo.
Maybe I should go talk to him.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Oh, no, we're not jogging, are we?
Hello?
[Knock at door]
(Mindy) Oh, my God, Josh, no, no!
Don't do drugs, say no! Users are losers!
Whoa.
- Cocaine is delicious. - It's powdered sugar.
I'm still sober.
I just find the rituals comforting.
Good. And good for me.
'Cause I'd be a drug addict
if cocaine was as delicious as sugar.
Can I-- Is there any left?
It doesn't matter.
Hey. I'm so sorry.
I only brought Peter to this wedding
because I thought that I needed a date,
so you would think that my life was together.
I get it.
I mean, why do you think I threw this six-figure wedding?
It sure wasn't for the fun of bargaining with
"Roscoe And The Motown Moment."
What are you talking about?
I met a girl in rehab,
who was cheating on her boyfriend with me.
And then after we got engaged,
she cheated on me with the ex-boyfriend.
- Yikes. - But I ignored all the warning signs,
because I was in such a rush to prove
I wasn't a drugged-out failure anymore.
[Sighs]
- No, Josh, no! - Calming mechanism, relax.
Corinne ran out. People are asking questions.
I just really wish I didn't have
to go out there and explain it to everyone.
I shouldn't have come, you know?
Danny was right. Every time I go
to an ex's wedding, I just ruin it.
Josh, I know what to do.
Your fake drug thing helped me.
Wait. What are you doing?
I'm gonna do what I do best at weddings--
ruin them.
We're having some trouble
tracking down the happy couple.
But don't worry, I'll entertain you
a little bit with some juggling.
(Shawne) I can do it better when-- when I'm by myself.
[Clears throat] Excuse me, Shawne Merriman.
I'd like to use the microphone, I have something to say.
But I can do it, though. I've done it before, I--
I'm sure you can. You're very good-looking.
All right, everyone, hi.
You might remember me from earlier in the evening,
'cause I was killing it on the dance floor.
Yeah, you're the girl that stole all the meatballs.
Okay, that's somebody else.
I have terrible news.
The wedding has been called off.
Yeah, and it's all my fault.
I tried to have sex with Josh in the bathroom.
And then Corinne walked in.
But it is not Josh's fault at all.
No, Mindy, you don't have to--
No, Josh, they deserve to know,
because you're a good guy.
I'm obsessed with you. And I couldn't not have you--
(Peter) Stop, stop!
Peter, what are you doing here?
You're not doing this alone.
It's true.
I saw the whole thing.
And it was disgusting.
Hey, how many people here are fed up
with airline food, huh?
Show of hands-- Hey, what's the deal with--
[Stammering]
Guys always wanna watch sports, right?
- And women just-- - Peter, Peter-- Peter, no.
Thanks, you're a good guy.
So all this to say, Josh is not to blame.
We don't blame him. We blame you, meatball.
That's enough, CJ Wilson.
Just because I like to eat meatballs
does not mean I'm made of meatballs.
Well, I think the reason I did it is
because I'm jealous of Josh because his life is great.
- And I'm still kind of a disaster. - Train wreck.
Anyway, so please forgive us.
You ruined true love, you monster.
Oh, my God.
How dare you, CJ Wilson?
Is that the best you got, CJ?
Oh, God, he's got a cannon!
(Morgan) Hey, guys, playing limbo was kind of my idea,
so I'd like a turn. Hello.
- Stupid, stupid, stupid. - Hey.
[Sighs]
Look, Richie, why are you talking to dad?
Come on, he's a loser.
I believe you.
Every time I say the word "Dad," you clench your fist.
- I do not. - Dad.
Oh, God. Why aren't you mad?
I mean, he left us. He left mom.
It's his fault you didn't have a dad.
I don't know, because I did have a dad.
What are you talking about?
You raised me, Danny.
You taught me how to shave.
You taught me how to shave my legs
when I did cabaret.
I love you, Richie.
Look, Danny, dad's in California.
He wants to talk to you.
Yeah, I wanna talk to 1982 Pat Benatar,
but, you know, that's not gonna--
I don't care that dad sent you.
I'm just glad you're back.
And maybe I can get you to move back.
Come on, you know I gotta live in Florida.
- Why? - I look too good in linen.
Oh, come on, you look great in a garbage bag.
- What are you talking about? - Stop it.
Get over here. Give me a hug.
There you go.
(Hall & Oates) ♪ my friends wonder why I call you all the time ♪
♪ what can I say? ♪
I get it, you know, I suck.
It's just, being at a wedding tonight
reminded me that Becca's getting engaged and--
No, no, stop.
You cannot blame your ex for tonight.
You're right.
You're right. You just--
You have to understand that Becca took my heart and--
Stop it, stop it, okay?
You cannot blame Becca
for all of your stupid, bad behavior.
Becca is not some evil wizard that controls your penis.
Can I get "vulnies" with you for a second?
Eh.
When the bride came at me,
I kinda just went with it because...
I haven't had sex in over a year and a half.
What? Are you s--
You are constantly telling sex stories.
I know-- all from the case files.
The truth is that when we were out there
having fun tonight, that was the longest
I've gone without thinking about Becca in--
God, I don't even know how long.
It was pretty fun.
Mr. and Ms. Wedding.
You know, when we were out there,
for a microsecond, I looked at you,
and I thought, "Hmm, yeah,
I could see how someone could date that guy."
- You love me. - What?
- You love me. - No, I don't.
You wanna make adorable, mixed-race babies with me.
Absolutely not.
I wanna make mixed-race babies with Michael Fassbender.
You want me to pull the car over,
so we can get it on, or you just wanna go to town?
Oh, my God. I gently complimented you.
Look at us. We're having our first fight.
I'm gonna throw up. No more talking.
Just silence.
(Morgan) Go, go, go, go, go.
[Cheers and applause]
Yes, yes!
Great limbo, Richie. He can limbo.
Hey, you made it.
How was the wedding?
Eh, I got laid.
I ruined it.
That sounds about right.
- Okay. - Okay.
[Muffled] Oh, my God, limbo.
Come on, stop eating. Come help me.
[Indistinct chatter]
[Cheers and applause]
[Jan Hammer's Miami Vice theme]
♪
(Man) Go to bed.
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com